Hello everyone!
another late night Movie Review. This time up a Terrible B Movie based on an almost equally Terrible B-Video Game Called Onechanbara Bikini Samurai Squad.
I'd like to clarify that I was not the one who originally picked the game, That choice goes to a girl, who shall remain nameless. so no it wasn't my choice to play the game about a girl in a bikini killing zombies with a Katana.
Pros:
...Skip
Cons:
This movie fails across the board, Art Direction, Writing, Cinematography, Editing, Wardrobe, Choreography, Continuity, Special Effects, Acting, Music, Everything.
First off, Art Direction, The Movie looks horrible. The sets, surprisingly look decent, but I attribute that more to the locations just looking that way. everything is bland and lifeless, the props look obviously fake. Especially Misery's giant Spike bat thing. some things just don't work in a movie.
Next, Writing. The movie seemed to think it had a plot. something about a zombie apocalypse and blood. the blood made girls go supersaiyan. not joking. yet they can be covered in it and feel no effects, but drip a few drops on their cleavage they Hulk out. (not joking) I know it was in the game, Kill so many and you go into a blood frenzy, but in the movie it just seemed out of place. the overall story of the girl, misery, needing another little girl and Saki randomly to make an immortality potion so the old lady, who's really a young lady, can turn back into young lady, which she does anyway. huh? and why does the only guy in the movie act as a calmer? Huh?
Cinematography, The whole movie seemed very Flat, none of the shots were good, except the few random 360 shots, but those just showed off bland boring set pieces, and continuity errors. the overuse of Red splashes on the camera made me wonder if I was having small aneurysms. also, the whole thing might have been shot on handycams.
Editing. Fight scenes are supposed to be exciting, not random close up shots of faces with blades swinging intercut with herky jerky jumping cuts of people landing and jumping again.
Wardrobe, for a movie that's basically just an excuse to watch a girl in a bikini, couldn't the bikini actually fit? the bottoms were too big, like a couple sizes too big. didn't look flattering. the top was fine except the big furry edge running along the cleavage, wasted opportunity. also the boots looked unbelievably flimsy and not remotely realistic.
Can I take a second to ask, why, if Blood on your skin makes you blood crazy, why do you wear only a bikini when you kill zombies? I'd wear long sleeves, gloves and long pants. they can give her an unzipped top to make up for needing cleavage, but why does a character who's scared of getting blood on her have basically no clothes on?
Choreography, I touched on the random close ups. but also, when you have a girl with a sword mowing down zombies, why does the girl dance in a crowd, spinning katanas and only kill one at a time? how is that possible? and holy shit the wires in the final fight were obvious, one does not simply change directions mid air.
Continuity, ok, I mentioned the 360 shots. Aya and Saki are fighting, Saki swings and Aya stops it with both swords. then they have a whole bunch of 360 shots. where did the Guy that was standing with Aya go? he should be right there...close enough to be in every single one of those shots. Oh he's cowering underneath a couple pipes (that are in the 360 shot) but he's not there in the shots....Oops, someone messed up. apart from that there are times when Ayas shawl appears and disappears between shots. Or zombie bodies, err remains, since they explode upon death. (sweet, Coins!) overall I just assume the Scripty was either asleep or non existent.
Special Effects, Holy Crap. I've never seen a zombie turn into a blood spray before. A sword goes through his head and he Poofs into blood, from the feet up. with a splash on the camera for good measure. this happens with every single Kill. random blood spurt, and a camera splash. I felt like I was on a water ride during Halloweekends. and the cony Baneful Blood effect, basically just a few squiggly lines over someone's face. this movie was the epitome of Bad CGI.
Acting, The biggest issue out of the whole movie. How many times Can I see a girl (since everyone in the movie is basically a girl) awkwardly deliver a line then awkwardly walk off screen.
Aya, the Bikini Clad Samurai girl is the worst. For example, she has a scene were she walks i with a backpack on. She's talking to a few other characters. she takes her shawl out of her bag and throws it over herself, taking a few too many motions to do so. Then she stops, says a line and grabs the bag. trying to put it on. well her shawl's in the way, so she starts putting it under her shawl, stops, looks off screen, sets it down, then silently exits the shot. then her backpack's on her back in the next shot. what the hell was that? It's lucky she's attractive and has ample bosoms otherwise it'd be a total waste.
Saki, Basically did nothing. she's dressed like a schoolgirl and has more acting chops than Aya. that is all
Misery, she has crazy face down and bitch face down. but that giant weapon of hers was just sad
Random Male guy, looks like a hobo that wandered on set one day, doesn't ever show any acting chops, or any real reason to be there. one scene he cuts down like 5 zombies with no problem, the next he cowers from one...dafuq?
and I'll mention Reiko, looked the part, and the super deep Amy-Adams-In-American-Hustle cleavage doesn't hurt.
Music...well, I kinda liked the music, even if it did sound like late night HBO at times.
Final Statements:
If you can't tell this is getting an excruciatingly low rating. I enjoyed the game, and was kinda looking forward to seeing a good take of it, but, not this, definitely not this.
FINAL VERDICT: 4
Well, theres a bikini....and that's about it
So, another review done! now time to either watch another or go to sleep!
another late night Movie Review. This time up a Terrible B Movie based on an almost equally Terrible B-Video Game Called Onechanbara Bikini Samurai Squad.
I'd like to clarify that I was not the one who originally picked the game, That choice goes to a girl, who shall remain nameless. so no it wasn't my choice to play the game about a girl in a bikini killing zombies with a Katana.
MOVIE REVIEW: Chanbara Beauty, Vortex
...Skip
Cons:
This movie fails across the board, Art Direction, Writing, Cinematography, Editing, Wardrobe, Choreography, Continuity, Special Effects, Acting, Music, Everything.
First off, Art Direction, The Movie looks horrible. The sets, surprisingly look decent, but I attribute that more to the locations just looking that way. everything is bland and lifeless, the props look obviously fake. Especially Misery's giant Spike bat thing. some things just don't work in a movie.
Next, Writing. The movie seemed to think it had a plot. something about a zombie apocalypse and blood. the blood made girls go supersaiyan. not joking. yet they can be covered in it and feel no effects, but drip a few drops on their cleavage they Hulk out. (not joking) I know it was in the game, Kill so many and you go into a blood frenzy, but in the movie it just seemed out of place. the overall story of the girl, misery, needing another little girl and Saki randomly to make an immortality potion so the old lady, who's really a young lady, can turn back into young lady, which she does anyway. huh? and why does the only guy in the movie act as a calmer? Huh?
Cinematography, The whole movie seemed very Flat, none of the shots were good, except the few random 360 shots, but those just showed off bland boring set pieces, and continuity errors. the overuse of Red splashes on the camera made me wonder if I was having small aneurysms. also, the whole thing might have been shot on handycams.
Editing. Fight scenes are supposed to be exciting, not random close up shots of faces with blades swinging intercut with herky jerky jumping cuts of people landing and jumping again.
Wardrobe, for a movie that's basically just an excuse to watch a girl in a bikini, couldn't the bikini actually fit? the bottoms were too big, like a couple sizes too big. didn't look flattering. the top was fine except the big furry edge running along the cleavage, wasted opportunity. also the boots looked unbelievably flimsy and not remotely realistic.
Can I take a second to ask, why, if Blood on your skin makes you blood crazy, why do you wear only a bikini when you kill zombies? I'd wear long sleeves, gloves and long pants. they can give her an unzipped top to make up for needing cleavage, but why does a character who's scared of getting blood on her have basically no clothes on?
Choreography, I touched on the random close ups. but also, when you have a girl with a sword mowing down zombies, why does the girl dance in a crowd, spinning katanas and only kill one at a time? how is that possible? and holy shit the wires in the final fight were obvious, one does not simply change directions mid air.
Continuity, ok, I mentioned the 360 shots. Aya and Saki are fighting, Saki swings and Aya stops it with both swords. then they have a whole bunch of 360 shots. where did the Guy that was standing with Aya go? he should be right there...close enough to be in every single one of those shots. Oh he's cowering underneath a couple pipes (that are in the 360 shot) but he's not there in the shots....Oops, someone messed up. apart from that there are times when Ayas shawl appears and disappears between shots. Or zombie bodies, err remains, since they explode upon death. (sweet, Coins!) overall I just assume the Scripty was either asleep or non existent.
Special Effects, Holy Crap. I've never seen a zombie turn into a blood spray before. A sword goes through his head and he Poofs into blood, from the feet up. with a splash on the camera for good measure. this happens with every single Kill. random blood spurt, and a camera splash. I felt like I was on a water ride during Halloweekends. and the cony Baneful Blood effect, basically just a few squiggly lines over someone's face. this movie was the epitome of Bad CGI.
Acting, The biggest issue out of the whole movie. How many times Can I see a girl (since everyone in the movie is basically a girl) awkwardly deliver a line then awkwardly walk off screen.
Aya, the Bikini Clad Samurai girl is the worst. For example, she has a scene were she walks i with a backpack on. She's talking to a few other characters. she takes her shawl out of her bag and throws it over herself, taking a few too many motions to do so. Then she stops, says a line and grabs the bag. trying to put it on. well her shawl's in the way, so she starts putting it under her shawl, stops, looks off screen, sets it down, then silently exits the shot. then her backpack's on her back in the next shot. what the hell was that? It's lucky she's attractive and has ample bosoms otherwise it'd be a total waste.
Saki, Basically did nothing. she's dressed like a schoolgirl and has more acting chops than Aya. that is all
Misery, she has crazy face down and bitch face down. but that giant weapon of hers was just sad
Random Male guy, looks like a hobo that wandered on set one day, doesn't ever show any acting chops, or any real reason to be there. one scene he cuts down like 5 zombies with no problem, the next he cowers from one...dafuq?
and I'll mention Reiko, looked the part, and the super deep Amy-Adams-In-American-Hustle cleavage doesn't hurt.
Music...well, I kinda liked the music, even if it did sound like late night HBO at times.
Final Statements:
If you can't tell this is getting an excruciatingly low rating. I enjoyed the game, and was kinda looking forward to seeing a good take of it, but, not this, definitely not this.
FINAL VERDICT: 4
Well, theres a bikini....and that's about it
So, another review done! now time to either watch another or go to sleep!
Comments
Post a Comment